Opposites attract – or so they say. While couples with opposite interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes can complement each other, a common cause of disagreements can be linked to one source: home organization. Just as one person can be inherently tidier, so can one be more laid-back. If you and your partner both struggle with keeping your space clean, you may be stressed out by the mess and feel unsure about how to communicate about the clutter. So if you find yourself frantically searching through countless articles online on how to live peacefully with your messy partner, rest assured that you’re not alone.
To help you get started, we reached out to experts for their advice on minimizing the friction of living with a messy partner. Whether you’re renting an apartment in New York where space is limited or neighborhood-hopping to your new Miami rental, keep your home tidy and your partnership solid with these helpful tips for cleaning and communicating.
Find common ground on what you both believe is important
Compromise around tidiness standards where one partner has to lower their standards doesn’t work. Instead, make the transition easy by honoring and respecting the partner who has the tidiest standards because that tidiest partner will be way more disturbed and reactively upset living with messiness than the less tidy partner living with tidiness. The contra to this is that the tidier partner creates an organizing solution that works for both partners. Thus both partners show crucial goodwill and co-operation from the outset, which will prevent the heartache from unnecessary eruptions and fallouts. –Dee Tozer
The two biggest tips on living peacefully with a messy partner would never stop doing your self-work and personal development so you can be the best version of yourself for you and your significant other. Also, be completely transparent about everything from personal finances to values. –Journey to the Life You Love
Prioritize your goals
Have a conversation about what you want your life to look like, how you want to organize your space, and which responsibilities both of you will have in your new home. This will allow you and your partner to express what’s important to each of you and lay a beautiful foundation for the new chapter of your relationship. Moving in together is a very exciting time, but realize that your partner has different habits, expectations, and priorities which can add a lot of stress to the moving process and your relationship. Communication is the key to avoiding any unnecessary stresses and strains. –Sandra Hay
Have a discussion about emotional labor in your relationship using “Fair Play.” You can print the cards for free online and divide up different household and emotional labor tasks from taking out the garbage or doing laundry to buying presents for family members or budgeting. -Grace Martin, MS, Grace Therapy and Wellness Center
Work together, not against each other
You both should participate equally in the household maintenance and any chores that go along with day-to-day life in a partnership. Plan the bigger house projects on a calendar and follow through with them as a team. Go out for a nice meal that evening to tune back in romantically after all the hard work you just did. It’s easy to stay connected when you take time for light-hearted conversation and affectionate eye gazing during a night out together. Make cooking a fun experience at home by taking turns choosing a dinner theme. This way, you both get to take a break from the kitchen and enjoy the creativity of your partner’s cuisine! It is a built-in date night without having to leave your home. The trick to living your best life as a couple is always being considerate of your partner and your home environment. It should always feel safe, warm, and inviting. –Dear Sybersue Relationship Coaching & Advice
The couple must agree on where everything will be placed in the house. Being clean and tidy only consists of two things: removing filth and placing items in their proper place. The cleaning should be divided up equally between the couple. After the cleaning part is divided and the placement of everything is agreed upon, the only thing left is for each person to do both consistently. –Louis Morris Coaching
If one of you organizes better than the other, take that as your responsibility to be the dream team partner. If both don’t have the skills, try writing down the chores, and consider hiring a professional organizer to lay the foundation – it might be a lack of systems contributing to the mess. Lower your expectations to have it perfect all the time and organize your home as part of your wellness routine. –Harmony Home Organizer
Tackle the shared spaces
People can relate to their belongings differently, so respecting each other’s things is essential. In the end, clutter can be stressful for you both, so keeping the right amount of belongings in your shared space should be kept in mind when unpacking – you need less than you think, I promise. Next, move on to the shared spaces and unpack your kitchen together. Sort things by category, donate duplicates, and determine what’s still needed. A kitchen is a functional space, so try to plan how you’ll use it instead of rushing to place things where they fit. Unpacking the kitchen first can make your new space feel like home sooner. –Minimal is Bliss
If it’s financially possible, I highly suggest that couples get rid of their own belongings and buy new items together before moving in. The fewer “their” and “my” items in the home, the better. One of the most important areas to do this is in the kitchen, where they’ll want only what they need to cook efficiently. –Organize with Brittany
Remember that you’re two people with different priorities, so commit to a system that works for both of you
Understand each other’s organizing personalities before you move in together. Is one person messy and the other OCD? This is important to talk through so you can meet in the middle. When unpacking your new home, sort things into piles of like items. For example, electronics, tools, and crafting. Spend a little time space planning to give every item a home. Use bins with labels to keep like items contained and help with organizing in the future. It can be helpful to stick to a tidying schedule. Set a day and time in both your calendars where you can tackle it together. This way, the work is even, and one person doesn’t feel like they are always the one tidying. –Cassie’s Home Organizing
Make sure you set up systems. Using bins to contain your items gives everything a “home,” and labeling them helps you find your things, know where to put them back, and when to restock. –Mile High Home Organization
Start with a clean slate
Eliminate duplicates, or move them to deep storage. The kitchen doesn’t need multiple coffee machines taking up precious counter or cupboard space. That doesn’t only go for larger items; never underestimate the power of reducing your possessions to maintain a tidy home. –The Neat Freak of Cedar Falls, Iowa
Starting with a clean slate is most important. No one feels good living in clutter. Find a place for everything and get rid of the rest. –Tinsel House Studio
It has to be an intentional and joint effort to maintain organization. Since we’re not taught how to organize, each partner in the relationship has their own ideas, values, and style when it comes to organization. One partner can’t do all the organizing while the other only helps occasionally. Couples invest in their partner’s life and well-being in many ways, leading to fulfillment and honest relationship building. But I often find couples don’t intentionally invest in the organization of their shared spaces, which can lead to added frustration, anxiety, and essentially a breakdown in communication. Here are three steps to take:
- Organize one space at a time. Even if you want to tackle the whole home, start with a plan in one room or section of your home. Example focus on just the bedroom, bathroom, or closet. Only focus on one area at a time. This allows you to take a look at everything in just that space.
- Next, sort your items into three piles by category (Keep, Donate, Trash). Other possessions and items often get mixed into other spaces of your home but should be housed elsewhere. Determine what belongs in your space and what does not, and keep going until you have gone through everything. Remove the items that need to be removed at that time. It’s okay if it doesn’t have a home yet in the new space; at least it’s in the area it needs to be in.
- Finally, sort all of your favorites and currently usable items into smaller categories, such as possessions that are alike, seasonal, or by use. This allows you to keep up with your current possessions and know they are all in the same place. –Optimal Organizers
Rehome items you don’t need
Take your time and spend several days comparing households. Take one living space at a time and determine what in your space is a “must keep.” Then, go through your kitchen together – if tackling an entire room is overwhelming, pick a category (spices, pots & pans, utensils, books, CDs, electronics).
Once both of you have settled on what items you want in your new shared house, go back and declutter your own spaces. Resist the temptation to box everything and move it to the new space only to have it stored in the basement. Get it done now and enjoy the new space as you and your partner envision it.
If there’s time, you could hold yard sales before moving, pool the proceeds, and purchase something you both want for the new living space. Consignment shops can be profitable if you have higher-end furniture, dishes, and collectibles. Outdated sports equipment can be donated or taken to sports consignment shops. Take the time to find out where you can donate items to those less fortunate in your community. The International Refugee Committee, Volunteers of America, animal shelters, and food banks often have pick-up services. –The Wasatch Organizer
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